IN FLUX

I'm feeling sort of "stuck in the middle" right now. In "flux", so-to-speak.

Almost four years ago we moved here:















We were so excited for this new home. Space for everyone to move and grow. Turns out...we don't need so much space, however, we would have never decided to leave it on our own. God, however, had different plans for us...although He still hasn't completely revealed that plan to us. All in due time, I guess. In the meantime, though, it has been a hard lesson learned for Scott and me. We thought this house would be good for our family. That has not been the case. Two weeks after moving in, Scott was laid off from his job. After two months, a new job opportunity came but at a significant decrease in pay. Suddenly all that savings...even though not a huge savings...was slowly decreasing. Then came another lay-off. This time for five months. (Is any of this sounding familiar...like the state of our economy right now?) There was another factor that played into all of this...medical bills. I won't go into all of that, but let's just say that those numbers were pretty darn high, as well, and they took priority over anything else.

It was time to make some changes and to seek help. First step...contact the mortgage company. Long story short...we did what we were told to do and four months later found ourselves facing foreclosure. It felt like the bottom was falling out from under us. We had no idea what we should be or would be doing next.

It was a few days after receiving this news that we spent the weekend at my brother's little trailer/cabin at a park up north. It was just Scott and me, the kids and the dogs. Scott and I were mentally exhausted and wondered what life had in store for us. But this particular weekend at the "cabin" we found that God really spoke to us. There was no TV. There were no video games. There was a tiny little kitchen where I cooked. There were gravel "streets" that connected and wound themselves throughout the park. There was a fire pit right off the porch of the "cabin." And several times throughout the weekend, it rained. It was the best weekend we've had in a really, really long time.

We cooked most of our meals...even breakfast...on the grill out on the porch. We went for long walks and the kids and dogs loved it. We had a fire going most of the time and at night we snuggled up around its warmth and glow and roasted hot dogs, marshmallows and just talked and giggled with the kids. We played card games out on the porch and when it rained, we played inside. The bathroom of the cabin is not typically used so we had to walk about 1/2 a block to use the bathroom and shower. No one seemed to mind. It was peaceful. It was simple. It spoke to Scott's heart and mine.

When we returned, we realized we had to share our news with our families. This was so difficult. What would they think? Would they be disappointed in us? Would they be angry with us? Turns out that it broke their hearts. They were sad with us and for us. They helped us think things through. They supported us and encouraged us and never stopped loving us.

We realized, too, that we were ready to let go of the house. Scott's parents offered to help us with a different house. One that we could eventually buy back from them. The kids and I really didn't want to leave our neighborhood where there are so many friends. We were sad...but still ready to let go of the house.

Then came "the lot." The lot two houses down from where we currently live. The lot that was bank owned and for sale and as far as lots go, very inexpensive. The lot that could put a new house at about the same price as buying an existing house in the budget we had set. This lot that now has a nearly completed house on it, just waiting for the Johnson family to move in.

This new house...that will become our home...is smaller. It's cozier. There will be more sharing of space...especially bathrooms. It is not fancy. It is not grand. It is, however, us. It is three bedrooms (not four), two and 1/2 bathrooms (not five), 2,100 finished square feet (not 3,300). And it is beautiful. It is a blessing. It is a gift. It is a chance to start over. It is God's...and will never...even if the mortgage eventually goes away...be "ours."

I'm both horribly nervous and extremely excited about all of this, though. I'm nervous because what if something happens again? What if it's still more than we deserve or need? I'm excited because it's opportunity for a fresh start. It's a house that I know we will love because we lived in this same floor plan in another town. We just tweaked a few things when planning this one (like putting the laundry upstairs with the bedrooms). The new house is scheduled to be completed in early April.

So for the last several months, I've been "in flux." I am not in any way, shape or form connected any longer to our current home. As beautiful as it is...I want out. I want to be done with it. I'm looking forward to less...less space, less maintenance, less stuff, less payments. However, there is still stuff to do here...like cleaning and maintaining and keeping it "home" and ready for showings. But I want to be done. I want to walk out, close the door behind me and get ready for the next step in our family's journey. I want it to sell so the bank doesn't get it. I want it to sell so we can recover faster than if the bank gets it. I want to put this mistake of a decision behind us.

So although cleaning and maintaining and making it feel like home needs to be done...my heart just isn't into it. My heart is elsewhere. My heart is desiring less so that it can feel more full. My heart is focused on a guy named Scott and his desires for furthering his education and figuring out how to make that happen. My heart is focused on a little boy (well not quite so little in reality, but always little in my mind) named Parker who likes to wrestle and has a big tournament tonight, who likes school...except dancing in gym class...and encouraging him to practice his piano, saxophone and getting his homework done and done well, as well as playing and having fun because that's what kids should do. My heart is focused on a sweet little girl named Faith who needs help getting her Polly Pockets dressed and loves to play outside and is learning to read and likes princesses and has fought hard in life and shines as bright as the sun because of it. My heart is focused on peaceFULLYsimple and the journey I want it to take me on. My heart is focused on letting God drive...even when I find myself trying to step on the brakes.

Peace and blessings to your day.
Jeanine