I'm in a lousy place today. I could be out of it if I wanted to be, but I don't really want to be. I'm tired...I'm frustrated...I'm mad...I'm topped-off...I'm done. I hate cancer. HATE IT! I hate that it just comes waltzing in without being invited and takes over. I hate that even if it's gone, it lingers in the wings...lurks...keeping everyone on edge wondering if it's going to show it's ugly face again. I hate that it struck my husband again and that now we are even more worried about our kids and what the future may hold for them. I hate that this most recent diagnosis...a rare form of cancer...has Scott's doctor suggesting genetic counseling...not so much for Scott because he's already up to his neck in all of it...but more so for our kids so we know if they might have the same genetic defects Scott has...not just with the retinoblastoma which we know is exactly the same in Scott, Parker and Faith...but with the other three types of cancer Scott has had.
There are so many summer events going on right now that are cancer-related. Relay For Life is one of the big ones. Scott and I chaired the Relay For Life for two years when we lived in St. Michael and we were active in it for six years prior to that. Scott was a volunteer ambassador for the American Cancer Society. He traveled to different events, spoke at many Relays (one summer he spoke at a total of 13), we were asked to do video-taped interviews in our home for American Cancer Society promotions, etc. All of it done because we wanted to help find a cure, share our story, offer hope. But when Faith was born and we shared the news that our newborn had cancer and would be starting chemotherapy on her fourth day of life...nothing. Scott shared the news with our local ACS office...the people he had been working with and giving his time to...and he got nothing. And I don't mean monetary...that's not what we were looking for. We got nothing as far as support from the people that he had come to know and share his life's story with. No phone calls, no emails, no cards, no friendship from them. For him that was it. He was done. What was once a wonderful support system for him is no longer. He doesn't have it in him to even go to an event any more. I don't either. Are the events bad...absolutely NOT! They are fabulous. They are just not for us anymore. We're tired.
Right now, however, we have support from some great people. We have a very close set of neighbors who "have our backs." There are countless numbers of people...across the country and outside of the country...who are holding us up in prayer. Many family members are just "there" to help when we need it. There are a few people right now, though, that I'm disappointed in. Maybe it's just too difficult for them to deal with. Maybe they don't "get it." I don't know. They need to figure it out on their own. I don't have the time, energy or desire to do it for them...at least not right now. Maybe later, but probably not.
Cancer has entered our home six time between three people...four times now for Scott, once for Parker and once again for Faith. This new one...this LieoMyoSarcoma (LMS)...I'm not even sure how to respond to it. Honestly, I would rather not respond to it...just not give it the satisfaction of attention and worry and fear. I'd rather we could all just hide our heads in the sand hoping that by doing so, it will pass over us and move on. Pass over our kids and just leave them out of it for the rest of their lives instead of making us wonder if they, too, may get a sarcoma, or a carcinoma, or this stupid LMS.
I'm sorry my blog entry today is so dark and negative. I thought about writing it...getting it off my chest and then deleting it rather than posting it. But I want to post it. I want to be able to look back at it when things are going well and be able to laugh at cancer and say "HA...you didn't get your way. You did NOT ruin our lives. You did NOT take my family. You WILL be destroyed!"
4 comments:
My dearest friend,
Do not ever apologize for how you feel about this awful thing that has invaded your home. It is evil and brings about anger, worry, grief and strife. You have every right to feel anger towards it. You have every right!
I can not even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have never had this enter my home, never felt the fear, never sat and worried about it. But I know you, and I know your absolutely wonderful family and I know that you are strong…strong!!!! And I know the amazing & awesome God of this universe and, although I do not understand all of His ways or all of His will, I know that He is sovereign and holy. His will is perfect, His plan complete. I don't understand why He has allowed this to enter you home, your family, or touch you so personally. I can't imagine His purpose. But believe me, my sister, He is hearing from us on your behalf. He is hearing your name, Scott's name, Parker's name and Faith's name daily and He is hearing our pleas for miracles!!!! How does He work? I will NEVER understand completely in this life. But I know that I have been touched by you, by your family, by your story and I know that others too have been touched by your story and your courageousness faithfulness to a God we do not physically see and a will we do not comprehend.
You are loved and your family is loved so much by this family. Deeply, truly, completely. And when life gets really "sucky", you call on us. We may be miles and miles (and miles) away (oh, I wish we weren't so many miles away!!!) but no matter the distance we've "got your back". Love you, my dear friend and miss you terribly, right now especially!!!!
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Jeanine,
You surely are in a storm right now. I thought about these lyrics and I thought they were so very fitting. We never know why things happen but God has it all under control. You keep on praising HIM even when it hurts and you are angry at HIM. HE's a big God and HE underdstands and HE can take it.
Praying for you all to feel HIS mercy and grace and peace reigning over your whole family!
What can I do for you??? Ask and it shall be yours!
:o)
Surprise! You have been tagged with a huge honor. Go check out my blog to see what it's about...hope you enjoy!
I am so sorry to hear of all this that's going on in your lives. I have been out of it in the blog world, and I'm sorry I just got caught up in reading yours. You certainly are entitled to your feelings, even negative ones. Heaven knows, I have my own, though I don't really have valid reasons for mine, but you do. I will pray for each of you - for health in every aspect of your lives, spiritual, physical and emotional. Although, we've never met my heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing your heart, so we know how to pray for you and your family.
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